Bless Your Heart

Biggie and Smalls, my 7 and 5 year-old daughters, have been back in school for a few days and I’m starting to feel like I’ve got this shit down. This is what I’ve accomplished before 7:40 am today:

  • Out of bed at 6:15 am, a time formerly reserved for early flights to somewhere fun
  • Fed two children breakfast
  • Negotiated mutually agreeable solution to sock drama
  • Children dressed
  • Successfully got kids on bus
  • Made all beds
  • Straightened house
  • Dishes in dishwasher
  • Checked email and Facebook
  • Read NYTimes.com (or at least the parts I don’t have to pay for)
  • Checked eBay for mid-century furniture
  • Checked weather report
Urban Dictionary definition,
“Bless your heart:”

1.  This is a term used by the people of the southern United States particularly near the Gulf of Mexico to express to someone that they are an idiot without saying such harsh words.

2.  “You are an idiot but I like you and care about you so I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

I’m trying not to pull a muscle as I pat myself on the back.  I know, I know…right now, working moms reading this are shaking their heads and muttering, “Aw, bless her heart.”

On his way out the door Ad Man gently asks, “Are you going to yoga this morning?” and urges me to “get out of the house today.” Apparently, despite the strides I believe I’ve made, I’m still giving off that “unhinged” vibe.

So, I sit down and start compiling a list of the things I’ve been promising myself I’d do when I had both kids in school full-time.  Here’s just a portion of what’s becoming quite an extensive list (I’m nothing without a list):

  1. Learn to bake something more complex than cookies and cakes
  2. Learn French
  3. Paint our bedroom (We’ve had color swatches painted on the walls since I bought a new, not-perfectly-matching rug over 2 years ago.)
  4. Figure out landscaping for front yard (The circa-1954 landscaping just isn’t looking as appealing or modern as it could. Wonder why.)
  5. Therapy/career counseling
  6. Be more informed about new music
  7. Sell stuff on eBay
  8. Go camping (or, better yet, glamping)
  9. Start following Lakers basketball again?
  10. Start drawing/painting again
  11. Take a sewing class
  12. Try rock climbing (why not?)
  13. Read classics I’m embarrassed I never read in high school (e.g., Any Shakespeare. Any at all.)
  14. Learn Final Cut Pro
  15. Take the Georgia bar? (This is another blog post–or two or twelve–in itself.)

no_knead_bread

I have already made some progress on Goal #1. The day after the girls started school, I managed to bake a loaf of, by all accounts, beautiful and delicious no-knead (baby steps) bread (please refer to defense exhibit 1, left). You know the one, right?  The recipe has been making the rounds online for weeks.

french_lesson_yale

So, I move on to #2 and start researching online French lessons. I find a French immersion program developed by Yale University. Perfect.  I mean, really, what am I going to do, hold out for Harvard? I load up the first “lesson” which is, essentially, a video of Mireille and Robert greeting each other with an oh-so-Euro double cheek kiss and inquiring after each others’ families, or at least that’s all I can decipher with the limited French I’ve gleaned from reading perfume bottles and fashion magazines.  Unfortunately, Yale has apparently not felt it necessary to update its French video library since approximately 1987 (I’m guessing by the “new wave” clothes and asymmetrical haircuts).  In fact, I’m so distracted by the ‘80s style (Isn’t it bad enough that I have to live with photographic evidence that I was a perpetrator of the same fashion crimes?) that I really can’t follow the storyline.  I decide to try something else.

I complete the process of signing up for a free (non-immersion) online French class through Carnegie Mellon.  Before jumping in, however, I read the introduction, including this warning, like a good, first-born, rule follower…

Who should study French Online?
The French Online course shares certain characteristics with many online or distance-delivered courses, and as a result may not be appropriate for all students.  Here are a couple of thoughts on what you might need to succeed. You should be a self-starter. In spite of our best efforts to furnish opportunities for communication in these courses, you will have substantially reduced human contact during your studies.”

Great.  Just what I need…even more reduced human contact.  I sigh, and check the clock only to see that the girls will be getting off the bus in less than an hour.  So, I decide to watch HGTV and save my first French lesson for another day. Despite Ad Man’s admonition, I never actually left the house that day, but to be fair, I did get a flash flood warning on my cellphone.  And what are warnings for but to heed?

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9 thoughts on “Bless Your Heart

  1. Love your list:) I did some French lessons at Emory a couple of years ago – even though they were ‘adult learning’ classes I felt SO old! Youngsters are far less worried about embarrassing themselves in front of the class! Bless my heart.

  2. This is so incredibly close to home. I am using http://www.duolingo.com/ to teach myself French since my kid is in a language immersion school. LIKE HELL is she going to be calling me a vache incroyable to her friends without my knowing. My sewing is coming along nicely and I can suggest some resources if you really want to do that *now*. It’s an incredibly useful skill when your kid is in either a uniform or pyjamas for 98% of her life. Meanwhile, my Final Cut, which I kind of went to actual school for is becoming more and more rusty by the day.

    • That’s hilarious, Sarvi! I knew we were kindred spirits. I think, from now on, when filling out forms requiring us to indicate our occupation, we need to start writing “Renaissance Woman” instead of stay-at-home mom!

  3. Oh my gosh, Mireille et Robert were the couple used when I was a student teaching assistant for French classes back in 1993. And the videos were old then!! Try the Alliance Francaise– they have adult classes, AND human interaction. 🙂

  4. Pingback: Your Mama Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock ‘n Roll | MommyEnnui

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