Growing up, my Christmas lists were legendary. I truly embraced the concept of a ‘wish list.’ My mom would always have a gentle conversation with me prior to Santa’s scheduled arrival in an attempt to lower my expectations. (Ad Man has now taken up the tradition, much to my chagrin.) She explained that Santa had so many toys to make for so many children, he couldn’t possibly afford to give a Barbie Dream House and a pony to every girl who asked for them.
As I got older, I added things like diamond earrings, an Hermes Birkin bag, Johnny Depp and various luxury automobiles to my annual lists. Did I expect to receive them from my parents? Of course not. I wasn’t stupid, but a girl can dream, can’t she? To this day, I still include a few shoot-for-the-stars items on my wish list every year. Below are my humble requests for 2013. While I won’t be holding my breath, I’m still hoping for a Christmas miracle!
- A cashmere Snuggie
- A live-in IT guy (No, unfortunately Ad Man does not fit the bill.)
- A French Bulldog puppy guaranteed not to chew, pee or poop on anything and never to wake me up before 8 am
- Butt implants
- A television that automatically mutes Christina Aguilera whenever she speaks on The Voice
- The back and neck of a 20 year old…oh, and what the hell…throw in the boobs too while you’re at it
- A teleportation device so I never have to spend more than 20 minutes in a car with my children ever again
- Self-cleaning toilets
- A self-emptying dishwasher
- A new car just fancy enough so that I don’t continue to surprise valets when I tip them
- Botox that never wears off…one Groupon and I’d be forehead-crease-free forever!
- A beach house, a mountain house and someone other than me to clean them (This item is dependent on the teleportation device. I’d like the complete set or nothing, please.)
- A cabana boy with bad eyesight who’s a good listener, gives amazing backrubs, makes a mean Dirty Martini and never, ever calls me ma’am
- Sets of dishes, glassware and towels that all match and have no chips or stringy bits
- If I can’t get a teleportation device, my second choice would be a high-speed rail system between Atlanta and Los Angeles
- Some goddamn peace and quiet
- Zero calorie wine that doesn’t taste like ass
- A new HVAC system (Remember, I’m shooting high here.)
- Oops! I almost forgot…peace on Earth
- My pre-pregnancy memory back
What are you hoping for this holiday season?
mommyennui.com 
I am laughing out loud! The peace and quiet and the wine that doesn’t taste like ass are on my list, too! I have plenty of butt to share if you really want implants! My daughter, Carlisle, got me hooked on your blog. Do not go back to work full time, unless you can keep blogging. You are hilarious!
Sally Hensley hensleysally@gmail.com
Thanks, Sally! I’m so glad Carlisle got you hooked! We miss her like crazy. Anytime you want to get rid of some of that butt, you just let me know. Mine disappeared in childbirth!
You and me both!!! Especially the teleportation thing, zero calorie wine and the mute Xtina tv!! I have a self cleaning toilet and self emptying dishwasher – my Husband is a dab hand at stacking it too – yes I know how lucky I am! Oh the French Bulldog thing too – totally my favorite dog – don’t let my Boxer hear me say that though xxx Here’s wishing you get at least one item on the list…**scurrying off to find a short sighted masseuse who nods when spoken to**
If I had to pick one thing to get from Santa, I’d have a hard time choosing between the teleportation device and the Birkin bag! 😉
“A television that automatically mutes Christina Aguilera whenever she speaks on The Voice” — I would SO buy one of these! That girl loves to hear herself talk. Oh, and I wouldn’t turn down the neck and boobs of a 20-year-old either.
I LOVE your list. I don’t want much..just a month long stay in one of those over the water huts in Bora Bora.
I probably won’t get it.
Ooohh…I want that too, RageMichelle! I swear I’ve pinned those huts on Pinterest like five times!
I really enjoy your wishlist. it really make sense and I am smiling myself like a weirdo!