MommyEnnui has quite a few readers from outside of the United States, so today I thought I’d provide a little cultural lesson about a beloved American holiday tradition…the Christmas Letter. The origins of the Christmas Letter go way back. I’m pretty sure the first letter was sent by one of my Dutch ancestors, but don’t quote me on that. The purposes of the annual Christmas Letter are to update those whom you haven’t seen in a while as to your family’s many successes and occasional health issues over the past year and to give a shout-out to the Christ child. The following is a compilation of every Christmas Letter I’ve ever had the pleasure of receiving. (Well, except for my friend Ed’s. His are actually pretty damn funny.) Only the names have been changed.
Dear Friends and Family,
The time has come again for our yearly Christmas letter. First, I’d like to start by quoting the Bible extensively…[Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse…]
Last year, a few of you brought to my attention that there are people of other religions and ethnic backgrounds who also celebrate holidays at this time of year. While I strongly feel y’all are just trying to steal the spotlight from the baby Jesus, the Bible teaches us that everyone deserves love and forgiveness. So, I forgive you for your attention seeking. Anyway, I hope you enjoy lighting your Kwanzaa wreath this year.
With that said, I’d like to fill you in on all the details of our family’s busy, busy year. We are just so blessed. I can’t believe our baby, Sienna Brianna is in preschool already! We actually had a bit of a challenge finding the right school for her since, as I mentioned in last year’s letter, she had memorized the Periodic Table and was conjugating verbs in Mandarin and Latin before she was 2 years old. We didn’t want to rush her right into middle school though (where she rightfully belongs) because that would disqualify her from the Junior Miss Mensa Brains and Beauty Pageant. We’d hate to deprive her of one more first place award she could add to her college applications next year.
Kiffany Mackenzie is still reeling from the IOC’s denial of our application for an exception to the minimum age requirement so she could compete in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. The committee ruled that, at 12, she is just too young. We, of course, know better, but rules are rules I suppose. The good news, however, is that we’ve built a regulation Olympic-sized bobsled track on our property, just behind the pool, and a guest house for her live-in coach and tutor. So, you know she will be working hard to take across-the-board gold medals in 2018!
The twins John Thomas and Harry Willie are, not surprisingly, taking the college world by storm. While it has been an adjustment for them being at two different schools (Yale and MIT, respectively), that hasn’t stopped them from building their software company together via Skype. They got a call from Microsoft’s attorney recently, but they’ve decided to put the sale of the company on hold while they spend a year overseas on a mission to help train orphans to make microchips for minimal-to-no pay. Their dedication to helping the world’s children learn a valuable trade is just so inspiring.
Bob recently took a bit of a sabbatical from the firm after 23 years without a vacation. It was so sad always seeing our yacht just sitting in the harbor with no one to take her out for a spin. That is, except for when the boys’ high school friends tricked them into bringing those underage girls and illegal drugs onto the vessel and disappearing to Catalina for a week. We’re blessed to have such kind and trusting sons. Anyway, Bob took out the Golden Parachute and has been sailing around the Caribbean and down the coast of South America for the last six months. He is scheduled to return home just in time for Santa’s arrival!
Sadly, I could not take the time off from my extensive volunteer work in order to join Bob in his travels. After all, the Junior League doesn’t run itself! I also didn’t want to leave my tennis partner in the lurch especially since we recently took first place in the All-Star Tennis & Rackets Association’s All-Region Tournament and are on a 47 match winning streak.
We did endure a pretty terrifying health scare this year. Bob’s mom Marjorie had been feeling a little out of sorts for the last few months. She had severe diarrhea, a sallow complexion, her hair was falling out in clumps, her urine was a shocking shade of safety orange, she had one droopy eye, excessive earwax, a tweak in her neck and recurrent toe fungus. Well, she finally went in to see the doctor and received a devastating diagnosis. She is gluten-intolerant. We were all shocked, but she’s been so brave. The person who has taken the news the hardest though is our cook Winnie. She is just beside herself trying to rework our traditional holiday menu to accommodate Marjorie’s disease. Please pray for Winnie as she adjusts to this difficult change.
And so my friends, as 2013 draws to a close and we look upon the dawn of the coming year, let us all turn our hearts into pools of golden sunshine and praise the Lord for our many blessings. In closing, I would like to share the remaining portions of the Bible not quoted above…[Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse, Bible verse…]
We hope you are blessed with all the blessed blessings that we’ve been blessed with this year!
Coralee, Bob, John Thomas, Harry Willie, Kiffany Mackenzie, Sienna Brianna and Barkley (woof, woof!)
HAHAHA…this is awesome. What a great Christmas letter!!
Thanks! Hope you’re having a great holiday!
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