Things have been a little rough here at MommyEnnui headquarters since Halloween turned into a horror story. The girls were adorable in their costumes and both were in high spirits, until Smalls started complaining of a tummy ache. Being closely attuned to my child’s needs, I first suggested she lay off the candy for a while. When her stomach ache worsened, I assumed she had to poop. Smalls denied it, but the child has been known to stare me straight in the face and lie about having gone to the bathroom with pee running down her leg.
It wasn’t until she started vomiting all over the place that Ad Man and I realized we had more than a little Halloween candy-induced tummy ache on our hands. Ad Man took barf-clean-up-duty while I bathed Smalls and began a long night on bucket duty. A few days later, when Smalls was finally back to school and feeling better, Biggie came home complaining of a stomach ache, but insisted it was from reading on the bus. Oh, how I wanted to believe her!
Not surprisingly, Ad Man and I have been the most recent victims of the virus. When I woke up this morning to a migraine brought on by dehydration and caffeine withdrawal, instead of wallowing in misery for the fourth straight day, I challenged myself to come up with some benefits to having a stomach virus. Yep, I’m going to glass-half-full the shit out of this nasty bug! So, here is your list of 20 benefits to catching a stomach virus from your kids. You might want to keep this list handy. I hear it’s going around.
1. Fewer dirty dishes
2. Your boyfriend jeans fit like sweatpants again
3. Good excuse to drink Gatorade instead of green smoothies
4. No more stealing the kids’ Halloween candy
5. Newfound appreciation for plain bagels
6. Teaches the dog to entertain her own damn self
7. Alcohol intake gets dialed back to zero
8. Things that haven’t been cleaned in a while get scrubbed to a shine
9. No judgment for wearing the same pajamas for days on end
10. Perfect time to binge-watch a new show
11. Teaches your children to forage for meals
12. Lessens your attachment to material things, like white flokati rugs
13. Running a fever makes you track down sweaters and flannel sheets before the end of February
14. Kick-starts your pre-holiday cleanse
15. Housekeeping standards are significantly lowered
16. Strengthens your resolve to never be pregnant again
17. Your life of routine and monotony gains a renewed sense of the unexpected
18. Can’t feel guilty for not going to work or volunteering. You are not wanted there.
19. Gives you a chance to try out that new no-shampooing trend
20. You get to go to the bathroom alone again!