Like many families in the U.S., at Thanksgiving dinner, we have a tradition of going around the table and saying what we’re thankful for. Generally, my response is similar every year. As always, I’m thankful for my family, health, good food and great friends. While I am sincerely grateful for those things, there are numerous other things that tend to go unmentioned and I think it’s high time I give them their just due.

This Thanksgiving, I’m really, really thankful that:

• I’m past the stage of being woken at 3:00 am by a screaming infant who has pooped through her diaper, onesie, pajamas, sheets and into her hair.
• I have not yet had to have a major body part replaced.
• With email and texting, I rarely ever have to speak with another human being on the telephone.
• The bats living in our eaves have apparently relocated, saving us $1,000 or so in animal-control costs.
• We’ve gotten through another year without having our yard turned into an infinity pool by the neighboring creek.
• We’ve squeezed another year out of our crappy cars.
• My children are well-behaved and polite at school and in public and generally only act like complete shitheads at home.
• It was slightly less hot than Hades in Atlanta this summer.
• Ad Man has been traveling less in the last few months, though I will be considerably less thankful when he heads to the Virgin Islands for a “meeting” in a couple days.
• It’s the most wonderful time of the year…leg shaving-optional season.
• I have wonderful friends who hate all the same things I do.
• Miley Cyrus is not my daughter.

I am also thankful for:

• My beloved IUD that has kept me period-free and embarrassing-late-in-life-pregnancy-free for another year.
• Psychotropic drugs.
• Being old enough that I no longer care what anyone thinks if I get a new tattoo or let loose a string of expletives.
• Binge-watching Orange is the New Black.
• My cleaning people Digna and Erica who keep us from living in our own filth.
• Grocery clerks who still card me when I’m buying alcohol and do it with a straight face.
• Alcohol.
• Clothing designers who are guilty of “vanity sizing.”
• The scientists who did the research determining that dark chocolate is good for you.
• Amazon Prime.
• The teachers who educate Biggie and Smalls because neither the girls, nor I, would survive home-schooling.
• My Orkin man because, no matter how many times people in the South refer to them as “palmetto bugs,” they’re still giant, flying cockroaches.

I hope the list of things you’re thankful for is as long as mine is this year. Happy Thanksgiving!