I am constantly amazed that any child ever manages to live to adulthood. Seriously, it’s like every single one of them has a death wish. As soon as I found out I was pregnant the first time, I went about baby-proofing every room in our apartment despite the fact that I wouldn’t give birth for another 8 months and the child wouldn’t be even remotely mobile for some time after that. As most parents do, I had visions of my kid sticking a knife in an electrical socket, falling down the stairs, cracking open her head on the edge of a glass table, chugging a bottle of Draino and diving into the toilet head first. I knew a helpless baby or curious toddler could get in no end of trouble and believed I could protect my kid from all foreseeable dangers.
What I didn’t realize, however, is that my children would get themselves into precarious situations I could never in a million years have predicted. Because, you see, children are stupid. They do and say stupid shit ALL THE TIME. And, it starts at a much younger age than you’d expect. Not all of it has the potential to land them a spot as Darwin Award nominees, but it’s generally all either ridiculous, annoying, messy, embarrassing or all of the above.
Because of our children’s bouts of utter stupidity, we all find ourselves telling them things we would never have had to say prior to having kids. There are just some things you shouldn’t have to say to another human being! I have numerous examples from my own experience and have gathered many others from friends with children. I’m hoping to make this a recurring post, so in the spirit of laughing together so we don’t cry, please share your stories in the comments! Enjoy…
“Take the turtle out of your underwear!”
“Don’t headbutt your sister.”
“You need to keep your eyes open when you’re riding a bike!”
“You do NOT wash your hands in the chocolate syrup!”
“You can’t do yoga with pizza in your mouth.”
“Don’t lick the television.”
“Get your sucker off the cat!”
“No pole vaulting in the living room.”
“No, the ducky doesn’t belong in your underwear.”
“Don’t put mud down your pants.”
“No those are not bite marks around my nipples where you used to feed. They just look like that.”
“Don’t point the arrow at your sister.”
“You have to wear underwear with dress pants.”
“No, that’s NOT what the hand-held shower head is for.”
“You can’t feed the dog Play-doh!”
“No, you can’t touch my boobies.”
“I’m removing all mirrors in the house so you can’t watch yourself cry during fits of rage.”
“Stop smiling meanly at your brother.”
“Your penis is not a drum.”
“No, mommy doesn’t have a ‘front butt.’ It’s called a vagina.”
“Is that your booger on the wall?”
“I don’t think you should practice the recorder in the shower.”
“Your arm will always be longer than your neck, so no, you won’t ever be able to lick your elbow.”
“Stop riding your brother like a pony!”
“I’m going to throw away any ammo or weapons I find that are not put away in the weapons closet.”
“Sweetie, girls can’t pee on trees like little boys. I am so sorry. No, don’t try!”
“Stop rubbing the hamburger on your face! A bear is going to eat you.”
“You know I don’t like you licking my clothes.”
And, my personal favorite…“I don’t like the vengeful way you’re eating that cheese.”
One additional note, on occasion your significant other can be no smarter than his or her progeny causing you to have to ask things like…“Are you aware that your daughter is dipping her binky in your vodka?”
I would love to hear the crazy shit you’ve had to say to your children or significant other!
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